Clothes Crisis Deconstructed

There should be one class devoted to The Clothes Crisis in every Psych 101 class at every major university. They are real and every man I know has witnessed one and every woman I know has experienced one and more painfully women watch their daughters go through them. They come on without warning. You are following your normal getting ready routine. You shower, dry your hair, brush your teeth, put on your makeup and then head to the closet to decide what to wear.

The “what to wear” part starts out with the normal thought process. You ask yourself the following questions. Where am I going? Who will be there? What mood am I in? First, you shuffle through the hangers looking for the anchor pieces to your outfit. At this point the crisis hasn’t begun (and 9 times out of 10 it won’t). Things are fine. You are happy.

You know you want to wear those 5 inch heels you bought yesterday for sure! It’s taboo to let them sit for 24 hours without wearing them, so you pull out a pair of pants and a skirt that you think will do the trick. Problem is, the shoes have that little bit of red in them and your wardrobe is low in the red department. You’ll have to stick with neutrals for the rest of the outfit. You’re still safe though because the skirt and pants are black. You put the pants on and add a shirt you think might be successful to pull off the professional, but fun and approachable look you are going for. You don’t love it, but the shoes will throw it over the top. You slip into the shoes like a stylist and then the crisis starts. Phase one, the “Things Don’t Go As Planned Phase” of the Clothes Crisis. Your spirits drop because the pants were tailored to fit your 3 inch heels and, consequently are floods in your 5 inch heels. You still have time though so you go for the skirt.

You love that skirt your butt is fabulous in it and you got it for half price, but no one needs to know that. You shake into it, zip it up the back slip the shoes back on. It’s looking good. As you look down your calves look lickable. You turn to the mirror and the crisis escalates quickly. That shirt you had on looks horrible with the skirt and the shirt you normally wear with the skirt is green and if you wear it with the little bit of red in the shoes you will look like a cheesy Christmas mom from the eighties. Your getting frustrated and time is getting short.
You go to the dresser. There’s so many things there that you just haven’t seen today that will go. Still, you’re not feeling confident. You just keep repeating the mantra, “I am going to wear these shoes!” You know you can do this. A man comes in to your view now. It could be your husband, boyfriend or son it doesn’t matter. They ask a question that seems infuriating like, “Where are my glasses?” or worse, “You’re not ready yet?” You look at them with the look seen only on the killer in a crime show and they back out the door.

This is when the throwing starts. You just start throwing everything out of the drawers in an attempt to quickly see the contents and discard the “doesn’t match” items into a heap to clean up later. You run to the closet, grab another pair of pants that go with the original shirt and shoes, but that isn’t the look you’re going for. That outfit doesn’t say what you want it to say today. It did last week, but that was last week before the new shoes got there.

During what I like to call the “Frantic Phase” of the Clothes Crisis it appears you are having a tantrum. You’re not. You are just becoming aware of the fact that although you have 3 closets and 2 dressers full of clothes you need to go shopping because you don’t have anything to wear! Seriously, a woman of your magnitude should have something to wear with 5 inch grey and red plaid heels that Gwen Stefani wore at the Grammies and you are trying to wear to work, because you don’t want to wait to wear them out on Friday night! It’s ridiculous.

At this point a man enters again trying to gently remind you that it is getting late and you need to get going and that’s when the next phase hits, the “Emotional Phase” of the Clothes Crisis. You usually start by stating disgustingly what you realized during the “Frantic Phase” which was you are going shopping tomorrow and buying out the store because it is ridiculous that you have nothing to wear. Then in a panic the tears sometimes fall. If you’re lucky the man will comfort you. Tell you to take your time and go in late or agree you should go shopping. Sometimes, however, you cross the line in your apparent tantrum and he has no sympathy and tells you to get over it, put on the clothes you wore yesterday and hit the road.

The final stage is the most humiliating. It can come immediately or hours later, but it is always after you have left the room and returned to find a disaster. This is the “Regret Phase” of the Clothes Crisis. You walk back into the bedroom and laid out before you is the visual reminder of your prior pain. A floor full of clothes stomped on and thrown aimlessly, reminds you of your insecurity and fragile state that day. It brings back the memories of girlhood when what you wore was who you are. It is true that the clothes you choose send a message to the world about you. That’s a fact, but you have grown to know it doesn’t define you, or you thought you knew that. Why did you have to get so upset?

You fold the clothes and put them away with a little shame and hope no one enters the room while you’re doing it. It’s like having to clean up the mess you made in the kitchen when you were 10 after you swore up and down you already did it only to have your mom drag you down the stairs to look at the disaster.

Once the clothes are safely back in their homes you contemplate returning the shoes…
Instead you pick out an outfit in advance for tomorrow that you have tested and know will match them. We are all girls at heart after all. And if you’re anything like me and my girlfriends you love clothes and choose them to fit your ever changing moods or particular occasions.
The last lesson for the Psych 101 class is for the men. During a Clothes Crisis be patient, be scarce and remember when your girl comes out looking liquid hot or PTA pretty and you’re proud of her it sometimes takes a crisis to get there and crisis is draining. So love us in spite of ourselves.

Qigong

As I went through chemotherapy last year I had to do a lot of quiet inner soul searching and at the same time opened myself up to spirituality. I didn't have to look hard, as spiritual information seemed to fall in my lap as I needed it like a guardian angel. Books that resonated with me at that time would have made no sense to me at others, but they just seemed to appear or be recommended.

Before my diagnosis of breast cancer I was training off and on with a personal trainer at our gym. He was a gentle soul and so grounded and kind for a 23 year old! We became fast friends and he joined our group of friends. As my diagnosis came many people at my gym were supportive which was one of the great blessings of the cancer. To see people support you that only new you as an acquaintance.

David, however, was a huge blessing. He checked in with me on Gmail chat often and I found out he was a highly spiritual man with lots of wisdom beyond his years about how to be happy and live in the now. We talked about death and dying or just plain crying. He had been reading the many books that I was at the time and we talked back and forth about the meaning of life.

I asked him to write for the blog about a spiritual practice he teaches and that is what comes next!

Qigong
posted by David Beaudry

I have been fascinated by the Mind and Transformation of Consciousness since I was young. This lead me to a BA in Psychology. I came across Qigong (Supreme Science Qigong Foundation) a year and a half ago and it has changed my life. My energy and clarity of mind have increased tremendously and I now have tools to tap into that place of calm and peace within at any moment.
“Qi” means life-force energy and is within everything in existence. Everything is a form of energy, our mind, our body and our spirit.
“Gong” means cultivation or practice.
Essentially “Qigong” is “Energy Cultivation,” connecting the Body, Breath, Mind, and Spirit. Enhancing the quality of life through opening our energy channels and balancing our physical, emotional, mental and spiritual energies. We use deep breathing techniques combined with graceful movements and visualization. We begin class with meditation to clear and center the mind, we then do subtle movements and deep breathing to connect and cultivate our energy. We usually end with Taoist yoga stretches to get back in touch with our bodies after our practice is done.
There are many beginner classes open to the Public. I teach classes at:Mt. Diablo Integrated Wellness Center in Walnut Creek, CA every Tuesdays @ 7pm
You can visit www.qigong.com or www.qigonginstitue.org to find a teacher in your area and get more info.
Qigong has opened up a doorway to a new way of being in the world. A practice that allows one to feel the presence and connection to the Divine. Some call it God...you can call it whatever resonates with you. At the core of our Being lies a deep connection to all that exists. We are all entangled in this fabric of life. We begin to realize that our reality and life circumstances are directly connected to our thoughts and beliefs which then form our habits. Becoming an observer of my underlying thoughts, beliefs, and feelings has allowed me to let go of many old patterns of thought that were no longer serving my growth. As humans our Mind is in a state of constant seeking, sometimes referred as the Monkey Mind. For the Mind is a tool to be used, and too often we let our Mind run our lives unchecked.
When we learn to accept the Mind and realize that we can accept our thoughts and feelings for what they are without judgement we can live more fully in the Now. That space we call Now expands tremendously, as the Mind is no longer looking in the past or seeking future achievements.
The essence of Qigong is cultivating our life-force energy and a way of being in the world. A way of interacting deeply with ourselves and the world around us. With Love, Compassion and Kindness in our hearts naturally our minds become filled with Peace. Not forcing life to happen, rather allowing life to unfold it’s beauty before us. If you watch nature, water doesn’t try to flow, and grass doesn’t try to grow. It simply is. As we we heal ourselves, we heal the world.

Kids...How do you raise them???

That's the trillion dollar question isn't it! No one really gives you a handbook. You're left at the hospital door with a baby and a car seat! I remember when Max my first was born. I was young, 23, a kid myself. I thought why did I think I could do this. I spent the next eight months in a panic. I mean that. I had panic attacks, was nervous and freaking out. I was at a moment in time where I was evolving as a person to a new person... a mom, a responsible for other lives person. It was really, frankly too much for me to handle.

It's been 16 years since that and all those years I still think everyday what am I supposed to do with these developing humans!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Someone help me! Recently, however, I have noticed that one of my kids the oldest one is actually making it. He survived me and he is actually a great person. He is a teenager I like to be around and so do others. He's confident, he takes some risks, he likes his parents, he talks to us about everything and anything and he kisses me and asks how my day was everyday. Don't get me wrong his room is a mess, smells like some kind of metal and he swears alot and eats too much junk food, but that's minor. Right?

Since I started down the parent path early compared to my peers and I have a lot of friends 10 years younger than I, I have begun to have people ask me how did you get this great relationship with your kids. My first reaction was, "You think I did something right? I've been flying by the seat of my pants trying this and trying that?" A few thoughts later though I realized there are a few things that I think have actually been a pattern in my parenting. I wrote those in an email to a new friend who asked me how do you instill confidence in your kids? I looked at her at dinner with her baby and toddler and thought thank God I am through that stage it is all so big and overwhelming then. What can I tell her to boost her confidence in herself, to put this whole big parenting business into perspective, to break it down.

What follows is a cut and paste copy of the email I sent her. She generously emailed back and told me she had put the email in a box of important things to remember that she keeps with her. Maybe some morsel of this will make you feel that you are enough for your kids. Cause you are! If you think I left anything out blog us back!

Here's the gmail:

Okay so I know you're a new mom and you were trying to see if I held the truth to raising kids...I didn't want to go on and on at dinner and bore our childless friends, but I thought I'd send you a few thoughts today! Now these thoughts are not truths because there are no "for sures" in raising kids. Every kid is a human being and requires different parenting and you will soon see that. But there are a few things that seem to be working out for me.

1. Be around and available. That doesn't mean you are constantly playing with your kids and entertaining them and having a Beaver Clever moment every moment. It means you are home and around and aware and your kids know that you are available to help them, keep an eye on them, know their friends, know when they are up to something. It will drive you nuts, but always let friends be in your house making a mess and eating your food becasue then you know what type of friends your kids have and can offer advise if needed. Also the friends will start to feel responsible to you as they get older if they have a relationship with you and not want to dissapoint you. One time Max's friend stayed over night and snuck out to go see his girlfriend. His mom called me the next day to tell me. Next time I saw him he apologized I gave him a lecture about how if I can't trust him then I have to monitor him like a child or he can't stay over. I told him he put me in a bad situation because I want to be responsible for him and asked could I trust him. He told me yes and was sorry and we never had that problem again.

2. Listen and validate the feelings of your kids they are human beings. What they feel they feel even if we think it is dumb or not true it is their perception. If your daughter is insecure at some point (which she will be as a girl) don't say things like that's not true you're not fat. Say I'm sorry you feel that way. I've felt that way, but then I looked around me saw that compared to other people I wasnt' fat and remembered I love myself the way I am. If you want to eat better we can do that if you want to work out we can do that. But remember girls at your age often have a hyper aware sense of themselves and sometimes it isn't always true. All you can do is love yourself and make changes in a positive direction. In other words teach that we only control so much in life. Worry is useless, but action is in our control. Always love yourself as a person and your kids will pick that up.

3. Put your marriage first and your kids follow. Go out with your husband, make time for each other and make the kids fit in with that. They will choose partners that then care about them and realize it's important to value yourself.

4. Accept them as they are...sports or no sports, loud or quiet, sensitive or not. I have a nerdy son that I would never have thought I would have! He still needs to feel like a great worthy person and I can't be trying to change him or he'll feel like he's not right. Neither kid is into sports, or getting involved in school stuff...there is a pressure to make them do those things, but finally I decided that you have to want to do something to do it. My kids are into family and friends and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

5. Make family a rock solid center of life...sounds like you do that. Eating with the grandparents, buying gifts for cousins, visiting aunts and uncles....treating friends like family....the more people that are concerned for your kids and creating a village to raise them the more secure they feel as over said as that is.

6. Talk talk talk to them about anything. Never make any subject embarrassing, tell them about sex before anyone else has the chance, I did it starting with animals or whenever questions came up. I just answered what I thought they could handle. When my older son learned that girls have periods in 6th grade before I had told him and told me it was gross I was pissed I didn't tell him first and had to back track and tell him that's how he got here, it's not gross it's natural and really actually amazing that it works and never to talk badly about it to girls.

7. When all that fails just let your kids know constatnly they are great, valued and loved. Look for moments to praise them and moments to tell them when they are being jerks and how to change that. I say I love you at least 5 times a day to each kid or you're so cute in blue or your awesome at math...As long as they have that even if they struggle with things in life they know they are worthy and will eventually come through. I have also told my kids when they are jerks and how they can be aware of that and change that behavior too!

8. Remember no matter what you do your kids will sometimes take the wrong path or struggle. Some more than others. That is not your fault. Remember that you had times where no matter what people said to you you thought you were the exception. Show through your own actions that the world is full of adventure and options and there's no need to rush and miss out on things, that you can choose to go off the beaten path and try something, that failures are opportunities and can be recovered, that planning is also important and there's a balance. they learn that stuff by you and your husband living that life. they see hard work and are hard workers. they see adventure and know that it is an opportunity if that will make them happy. They see how you handle hard times in life either with positive outlook and emotions or by letting it knock you down. Be the best person you can be and they will learn. The best person may not be the same as the soccer mom at school to you and you can't emulate anyone. I dont' think you will have that problem though you are sassy.

Well I think you really wanted to know what I thought....if not this was too much info. Take it for what it's worth. There's no action plan just some big ideas.

Post Secret Review

If you get a chance to see the Post Secret exhibit when it comes to a venue near you, you should definitely go! And if you go you should try to hear Frank Warren speak. What a great guy. So genuine.

I saw him last night with my friend Rochelle. We snagged the tickets off Craig's list at the last minute, as he was sold out! He talked a lot about how this project has effected his life and how he thinks it has effected others based on their emails and comments. You can sense just by being in the room with him that all the secrets he is bombarded with (1000 a week) have made him more intouch with himself, others and the world. It seems setting free a secret liberates your soul.

It allows you to:
Move on...
Confront an issue...
Become a new you...

He has a stamp that he uses when he signs your book and it says Free Your Secrets and Become Who You Are. I find for myself that the more honest I am the more me I am. The more real I have to live my life if I'm living it out in the open for all to see. Love me or leave me I am what I am. I am notorious for admitting when I am angry, jealous, envious....usually in the end as the words leave my body I am able to figure out what the root of the emotion is and work through it. Sometimes I work through it on my own and sometimes the person I'm talking to helps me.

The great thing about honesty is that you find that when you're honest, although it is embarrassing sometimes, you find out quickly that others are feeling or have felt as you do. They sometimes get honest with you at that point and become more real and alive too. It Sparks a change in the world to make things true and real and creates a never ending circle of human empathy.

But ....Honesty or a secret doesn't have to be shared with anyone, but you. Sometimes we tell ourselves the truth and are evolved instantly into a new person.

When you're bugged, agitated, angry, sad or experiencing some emotion that is eating at you...ask yourself what's my secret....what do I need to set free.

PS
As I finished this, and at the same time am listening to CNBC, I realize that a transparent govenment comes down to individuals being honest, getting real, not keeping a secret. If that were the case then Ponzi Schemes would not exsist. When that person who is telling themselves most likely, "That the money will come back, this is temporary, it will all work for eveyone just need to keep it on the down low for awhile.." finally gets honest they will admit to themselves they are taking a risk with other people's lives and trust and if that doesn't stop them nothing will. No big law can change a human soul. Honesty can though.

Pandora Radio

Just a quick post to tell you about a cool site my friend Ames turned me onto. It's Pandora Radio. I put the link under my websites on the right. You register for free put in the artists or title of a song and they create a radio station for you of like songs. You can put a thumbs up or thumbs down to each song played and it only improves the selections they pick for you. Your can create several stations in different genres. Check it out http://pandora.com/.

Music is so great to have in your life.

Boob Art

My friend Mary, who went through Chemo at the same time I did, sent me this great link. It is artful and for a good cause....boobs!


http://www.quilters ofsc.org/ artfullbras/ artfullbras. htm

Wish I could think of something like this to organize....I'm thinking and thinking...

Give Love

A friend sent this out on Facebook....I liked it....

Give love

Give love, and you give strength. Give love, and you give life meaning.
When you desire to truly make a difference, let your actions be guided by love. Remember that even when all else fails, love grows stronger.
When love surrenders, that is its greatest triumph. Could anything be more miraculous or powerful or enduring?
Give love, and align your world with the highest and best possibilities. Expect nothing of love and you will have everything.
Love can never be fully comprehended. And so, it is an endless source of delightful and joyous discovery.
Give love, again and again. For you can always know it even better and experience it even more.

Ralph Marston