Clothes Crisis Deconstructed

There should be one class devoted to The Clothes Crisis in every Psych 101 class at every major university. They are real and every man I know has witnessed one and every woman I know has experienced one and more painfully women watch their daughters go through them. They come on without warning. You are following your normal getting ready routine. You shower, dry your hair, brush your teeth, put on your makeup and then head to the closet to decide what to wear.

The “what to wear” part starts out with the normal thought process. You ask yourself the following questions. Where am I going? Who will be there? What mood am I in? First, you shuffle through the hangers looking for the anchor pieces to your outfit. At this point the crisis hasn’t begun (and 9 times out of 10 it won’t). Things are fine. You are happy.

You know you want to wear those 5 inch heels you bought yesterday for sure! It’s taboo to let them sit for 24 hours without wearing them, so you pull out a pair of pants and a skirt that you think will do the trick. Problem is, the shoes have that little bit of red in them and your wardrobe is low in the red department. You’ll have to stick with neutrals for the rest of the outfit. You’re still safe though because the skirt and pants are black. You put the pants on and add a shirt you think might be successful to pull off the professional, but fun and approachable look you are going for. You don’t love it, but the shoes will throw it over the top. You slip into the shoes like a stylist and then the crisis starts. Phase one, the “Things Don’t Go As Planned Phase” of the Clothes Crisis. Your spirits drop because the pants were tailored to fit your 3 inch heels and, consequently are floods in your 5 inch heels. You still have time though so you go for the skirt.

You love that skirt your butt is fabulous in it and you got it for half price, but no one needs to know that. You shake into it, zip it up the back slip the shoes back on. It’s looking good. As you look down your calves look lickable. You turn to the mirror and the crisis escalates quickly. That shirt you had on looks horrible with the skirt and the shirt you normally wear with the skirt is green and if you wear it with the little bit of red in the shoes you will look like a cheesy Christmas mom from the eighties. Your getting frustrated and time is getting short.
You go to the dresser. There’s so many things there that you just haven’t seen today that will go. Still, you’re not feeling confident. You just keep repeating the mantra, “I am going to wear these shoes!” You know you can do this. A man comes in to your view now. It could be your husband, boyfriend or son it doesn’t matter. They ask a question that seems infuriating like, “Where are my glasses?” or worse, “You’re not ready yet?” You look at them with the look seen only on the killer in a crime show and they back out the door.

This is when the throwing starts. You just start throwing everything out of the drawers in an attempt to quickly see the contents and discard the “doesn’t match” items into a heap to clean up later. You run to the closet, grab another pair of pants that go with the original shirt and shoes, but that isn’t the look you’re going for. That outfit doesn’t say what you want it to say today. It did last week, but that was last week before the new shoes got there.

During what I like to call the “Frantic Phase” of the Clothes Crisis it appears you are having a tantrum. You’re not. You are just becoming aware of the fact that although you have 3 closets and 2 dressers full of clothes you need to go shopping because you don’t have anything to wear! Seriously, a woman of your magnitude should have something to wear with 5 inch grey and red plaid heels that Gwen Stefani wore at the Grammies and you are trying to wear to work, because you don’t want to wait to wear them out on Friday night! It’s ridiculous.

At this point a man enters again trying to gently remind you that it is getting late and you need to get going and that’s when the next phase hits, the “Emotional Phase” of the Clothes Crisis. You usually start by stating disgustingly what you realized during the “Frantic Phase” which was you are going shopping tomorrow and buying out the store because it is ridiculous that you have nothing to wear. Then in a panic the tears sometimes fall. If you’re lucky the man will comfort you. Tell you to take your time and go in late or agree you should go shopping. Sometimes, however, you cross the line in your apparent tantrum and he has no sympathy and tells you to get over it, put on the clothes you wore yesterday and hit the road.

The final stage is the most humiliating. It can come immediately or hours later, but it is always after you have left the room and returned to find a disaster. This is the “Regret Phase” of the Clothes Crisis. You walk back into the bedroom and laid out before you is the visual reminder of your prior pain. A floor full of clothes stomped on and thrown aimlessly, reminds you of your insecurity and fragile state that day. It brings back the memories of girlhood when what you wore was who you are. It is true that the clothes you choose send a message to the world about you. That’s a fact, but you have grown to know it doesn’t define you, or you thought you knew that. Why did you have to get so upset?

You fold the clothes and put them away with a little shame and hope no one enters the room while you’re doing it. It’s like having to clean up the mess you made in the kitchen when you were 10 after you swore up and down you already did it only to have your mom drag you down the stairs to look at the disaster.

Once the clothes are safely back in their homes you contemplate returning the shoes…
Instead you pick out an outfit in advance for tomorrow that you have tested and know will match them. We are all girls at heart after all. And if you’re anything like me and my girlfriends you love clothes and choose them to fit your ever changing moods or particular occasions.
The last lesson for the Psych 101 class is for the men. During a Clothes Crisis be patient, be scarce and remember when your girl comes out looking liquid hot or PTA pretty and you’re proud of her it sometimes takes a crisis to get there and crisis is draining. So love us in spite of ourselves.